Oui || We had a baby!

Guess what... we had a baby!! Our baby boy Lawson was born on the 17th May, which happens to be 2 weeks ago today. I can't believe how quickly those 2 weeks has gone. I feel like Alex and I have been in some sort of new born baby bubble as we try and get our heads around this parenting lark. He is the most gorgeous little boy we have seen. He has a head full of the whitest blonde hair paired with the darkest blue eyes verging on the colour navy. We are besotted with him. I feel we have learnt so much about each other in the past 2 weeks than we have done in the past 12 years of being with each other.

Now don't get me wrong, we have loved every minute of the past 2 weeks but it hasn't always been fun and games. I would have to say that the past 2 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster as we get to know our baby boy and his ways. He is incredibly strong minded yet has such a gentle soul. He is incredibly laid back but also a little impatient at times (I won't say who he get's this from!). He loves to have a good look around and take in his new surroundings as each day goes by.

The first week was incredibly tricky as we were fighting with him to breastfeed. For something that is meant to be so natural... it is incredibly hard. Unfortunately due to the fact that breastfeeding was not going so well, he was admitted into hospital within his first week which was heartbreaking for Alex and I. We realised that breastfeeding obviously wasn't the way to go with this little boy. We have had to formula feed him. Mixing this with him perking up and finally putting weight on instead of losing it helped ease the 'Mama Guilt' slightly but it still perks its head up every now and then when he starts to look for the boob. I always thought I would be quite open in terms of breast feeding but it is amazing once he arrived how important it was to me. However due to expressing, this makes me feel slightly better knowing that he is getting my breastmilk... just not through the traditional way.

The one thing I was quite shocked about after giving birth (I might share my birth story at some point) was the pain and discomfort that would happen after. Now don't get me wrong... I thought there would be some bruising etc but the pain overwhelmed me. The fact I had to look after a little baby alongside feeling like I had been hit by a double decker bus completely took it out of me. Thankfully Lawson and I had Alex to rely on for running around and looking after the both of us.

Again, the mother guilt of not breastfeeding our little boy really took its toll. Much more so than I ever thought. I felt jealous over friends who were able to breastfeed and how their little babies just did it... and the amount of messages I got from everyone saying 'it will get easier with time' was beginning to take its toll. How could it get easier if he wasn't eating!! I felt I was at war with my little boy within the first few days.  I had one or two friends though who bottle feed send me the most encouraging messages telling me that I am a good mum and the fact that I am feeding my boy and seeing him grow compared to when he was breastfeeding was a major help.

The support I have had from my family and friends has been overwhelming. I feel the respect I have for my own parents has tripled. I feel the relationship with my mum which was already close has become closer as I have been calling her at all sorts of hours in tears as I adjust to being a new mum.

One positive is the fact that I am back in my pre pregnancy jeans!!! It was getting to the point at the end of my pregnancy that I had about 3 outfits on rotation as this is what fitted. Now I have a wardrobe full of outfits... it feels like I have just been shopping and I can't wait to explore my old wardrobe again. Don't get me wrong though, my tummy which has flattened out is not as solid as it used to be but I am ok with this. My body is incredible... to think its built my little boy and carried him for 9 months amazes me and I am happy to let it go for a bit.

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